“How was your long weekend?”

“Relaxing”, I said.

Only it wasn’t, really.

I wanted it to be.

But I was conflicted. Torn between what I ‘wanted’ to do, (tidy the house, spend time reading the word, publish a blog, and finish a few quick things I didn’t quite get to during the week).

But I wanted to rest.

To take a Sabbath.

To reflect on the true meaning of Easter.

Every year the season seems to come and go without me spending time REALLY reflecting.

I was determined this year to spend time on spiritual practices, to complete a devotion, or at least to read through an entire gospel account of the crucifixion and resurrection (and better still, to read from more than one book).

The problem was, I realised I was doing all of this (reading/reflecting) for the wrong reasons. (My addiction to achievement is no new thing… so I recognised some of the symptoms and re-assessed my plan).

Realising there was some messed up motivation going on in my head I decided to go easy on the devotions. But I still wanted to take a Sabbath and rest over the long weekend.

The only problem is, when you have a 2 year old, taking a Sabbath to rest, as well as finding time to complete my (small, but achievable) list of goals for the long weekend, proved impossible.

Friday came and went, and I had not rested. (Too many to-do’s that had to be done). Right, it was Saturday, the disciples rested on the Saturday. (Actually, they despaired and self-isolated for fear of the Jewish leaders), what a perfect time to rest and reflect in my self-isolated state, I thought. Ok, I had completed my Saturday afternoon rest (tick), when I tried to sneak out of my office and… that was it. He was awake. I was utterly disappointed I didn’t get to any of my other ‘restful tasks’.

The whole weekend flew by and I realised by the end of it that although I had ticked some of my boxes (rest, reflect, pray, do church, spend time with the family… tick, tick, tick, tick, tick), I hadn’t actually spent any time REALLY reflecting meaningfully on Jesus.

I felt deflated.

Like such a failure.

I couldn’t even keep awake…….

And just like that I realised…

All of this achieving and striving was worth nothing!! Of course I couldn’t ‘keep awake’, even his disciples couldn’t keep awake. They all deserted Jesus. They all ‘left him for dead’.

And suddenly, woosh.

That moment when you realise the WHY.

Why Jesus had to die.

Why my works would never be enough to make him love me.

—–

All of my striving and trying. I had to put that to bed.

All of this stuff up in my head. I had to release it. Let it go.

I had to let myself trust in the love of God.

Trust in the work of Jesus.

Trust that he was perfect, so I don’t have to be.

—–

He completed the work God gave him to do – HE finished the race. He kept the faith.

And then, He rested.

And now he invites me to share in that rest.

True rest.

Rest from striving, struggling and trying to earn my salvation.

Rest to trust that his work is complete. And in him I can truly have peace.

Rest – true rest – for that is God’s ultimate plan for me.